that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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