He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
