Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
