I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
