someone owes me an orgasm
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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