I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
