I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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