My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
