Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
