I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't turn off my feet"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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