Sorry, I don't speak sober.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
