the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
