stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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