the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
