I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
They took my balls.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
