well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
