I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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