my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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