the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He better not be in your backpack
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
