Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
