I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
