you guys were way drunker than both of me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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