If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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