its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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