I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
