The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
