I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
