I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
