Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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