and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
