Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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