So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
