The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was confusing and full of hummus
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
