don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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