i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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