I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
