if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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