she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
