Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
