The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
