woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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