Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
