First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
