I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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