I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
