Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
