You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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