I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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