did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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