My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
