when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
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Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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