You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
