shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
