Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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