Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
