**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
