So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
