Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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