dude i'm inner monologue high
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
